& I'm in love

October 11, 2011

I lost my baby. I don’t know what else to say. I am crushed- heartbroken. I don’t understand why, & I just want to blame myself. Jamie woke me up at 4am, because I was crying in my sleep- we’ve been up since.

I started bleeding yesterday- not bad, but like a regular period. I went to the hospital, just to make sure everything was okay. I truthfully didn’t think I was going to get any bad news- I bled with Landon until I was four months pregnant & I hadn’t bled a whole lot. I was bleeding when I was 5 weeks, but it wasn’t enough to even fill up a pad & my stomach wasn’t cramping or anything. The doctor came in the room & told me my urine pregnancy test was negative… it hit me like a brick in the face. It took my breath away. I just kept telling myself they were wrong, they made a mistake… but when the doctor came in to tell me the results of my blood test- it was negative too. I didn’t know what to think or do… or how to act. I just stared at the wall across from Jamie, and cried. A lady came in to take my insurance information and sign some paperwork & I was balling my eyes out. She looked at me and said, “I don’t know whats wrong with you, but I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Are you in any pain?” I felt rude, but all I could say was “No.”. Jamie put his head on my stomach and kissed it… I just wanted to grab him and not let go. I don’t know how I could love someone I never even met- but I do. I felt like I lost a close family member. Jamie told me God decided he needed another angel, that made me feel better. He always makes me feel better. Just being curled up on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, feeling his prickly chest hair on my cheek, feeling his hands run through my hair and rub my neck… it all just makes me feel okay. He’s the only person that really understands how I feel right now, & he’s the only person that can make me feel somewhat better… I am so glad I have him.